Day Three- Maybe it will all be OK

H turns up just before 9am in the am and offers me a coffee in bed. After last night's harrowing episode, this feels at best confusing at worst suspicious: I obviously need to ready myself for round three. And then, before I know it, he s sitting on the side of my bed crying deep distressed guttural cries. he s confused, he sobs; Has he done the right thing? He is going to screw the children up isn't he? At that point, I see a glimmer of hope... which sadly quickly fades away:- he s been unhappy for years and years. because of me. As long as I don't get that -as long as I m not deeply remorseful- I obviously haven t got it. Okay... I guess I need to tell the truth here: i haven t been easy to live with. I know that. I've had depression, sometimes badly -and I have myself been very unhappy, on and off, for years. At home that's it. Because at work I've kept on going, working really hard in fact to build a great career and providing well for my children and husband (he begged me to go back to work asap after my second pregnancy as he couldn't cope with having a full time job -and I've been supporting everyone ever since... but that's a different story which no doubt I will return to. The point merely is I've not been depressed outside of home:- I've enjoyed my work life and made good friends along the way..) Trouble is, whenever I've suggested to H it might be something to do with us, he's always had the same answer: don't be silly. I'm happy. Marriage is like that/you are expecting too much. you just need to sort yourself out... So now I am wondering: has he been lying to me for all these years... just to stay in the comfortable life I created for him? or was he lying to himself? Is he actually telling the truth now? Is it easier to blame me rather than say: I've met someone else? (I suppose that is a possibility) The boys and I are very comfortable now thank you very much we don't need you any longer (apart from your money). So I try and ask him these things...but he won t answer anything other than 'if you keep on being bitter and attacking me then we re not going to get anywhere are we?!) And anyway, he s crying again. It s all too much, he's exhausted/confused doesn't want to screw up the boys. still cares for me...That's when I propose a deal:- lets not make any decision right now: le s bury grandfather, lets do Xmas -lets be nice to each other in the meantime and then see how we feel in a week. Maybe I think we will come out of this better and stronger. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed - and maybe this is the reality check he required. Maybe we'll be OK. Maybe everything will be fine in the morning, this will just have been one big ridiculous ugly nightmare,