Day One:- The end of life as I knew it

I ve never blogged before I have never really written anything before, other than fancy powertpoint presentations for clients (yes I'm what you might call a bit of a business hot shot...but that's not really helping me right now) Because this is all about how after 21 years of marriage - in truth not all happy and rosy -but 21 years of strong marriage and 2 children, my husband suddenly -one week before Xmas- decided that this was it. Now, let's be clear- our breakup may take a bit longer -or at this this stage possible even less long than -21 days. but my prediction is that he first announced his plans on the 12th of December (yes, that's right, just over one week before Christmas) and, at the rate this is going, I reckon it will be all over by the New Year. But of course... I don't know for sure:- it is unfolding as we speak. And that's when it occurred to me:- if I share openly what is going on, it might at least serve as some sort of therapy (or maybe a useful diary for t share with l my solicitor as/when I appoint one?) and at best be a source of feedback where I can get some sort of clarity/ reality put back to me in these dark days where it all feels so surreal but also when I feel like I am completely losing my mind. So in this blog, I hope/plan not to be too self indulgent... I merely wanted to stay sane and maybe get you out there to help me through the process and, why not, maybe even help someone else who s going through the same thing. So finally, I must stress that this is a 'Live ' blog. I am writing it with merely 3 or 4 days delay... so it is not only completely real but totally raw:- I have no idea what's going to happen and how it's going to end. Although somehow, it doesn't feel like this is going to be a happy ending. So here we go...the true story of how my 21 year year marriage suddenly came crashing to a sorry end... a week before Christmas. I plan to post a day at a time, sort of like a diary... and see how it goes... Day 1 (Thursday) I have been working away from home since Tuesday am though it feels a lot longer than that...Maybe that's because it s been a while now that I am sensing that something is wrong at home and that staying away is merely an easy way not to confront things... Now, Husband's dad died on Tuesday.. we were talking about when he would eventually pass away only that morning when he was taking me to the station - and then Bang it happens As soon as I get to the office I get this msge from Husband saying his father s dead. I show sympathy and support and give lots of offers to help -as you do... all of which are turned down in a: all is well, can cope perfectly well on my own, please get on with your own life msge. Maybe that's what gave me the biggest clue: his dad had just died and he wouldn't take anything/any support/any comfort from me. But then again I thought... hey his dad just died, of course he'll behave funny -give him space and time and lots of support. Pblm is, I called and texted several times a day, and must have got about 2 three word msgs back... so was feeling a bit useless... Hence it was with some anticipation that I came home on Thursday night. As soon as I got on the train I called H and got a very reluctant offer to pick me up. Did not speak at all all way home, nor the hour or so after we got home. Then we fed the children... all a bit strained... When they went back to their PS3 finally he looked at me and said- right, we must talk. Looking at him I saw for one millisecond a flicker on the side of his mouth and the thought then came to me:- oh dear... he's shit scared about what he's about to say to me...this must be bad. So I just about had time to try and ready /harden myself when I heard the words:- I have made a decision, I cannot leave with you anylonger -I do not want to be with you any more. And that is final. Truth is I can t really remember what I said then...but it was along the lines of surely we must be able to talk about this, and please can you actually explain what the problem is...etc. All I got was a very detached: I ve been giving this a lot of thought...I ve seen a counsellor recently...I ve made up my mind. It is not for discussion.I mean it, he says:- this is non negotiable. I am not discussing with you. I am merely telling you.