Day Five: What will be will be

Monday H turns up again in the morning for a chat: (I assume you ve worked out by now he's been sleeping in the spare room) He s thought about it all and agrees with my proposed plan: deal with father's death this week. Do Xmas & Boxing day next week as planned. Talk and make decisions the following week. it makes sense.. we need t deal with things one at a time. He is grateful for my support yesterday... he even apologises for the shit timing, which is actually a huge step from where he was 48 hours ago. Although it was my idea to let things be for while, now he's agreed to it I don't feel particularly happy or satisfied. In fact, thinking about it, I feel very scared. And I tell him so: I m scared about going away for work again giving him the opportunity to think on his own/in his own head and reach a conclusion again without me/ without talking it through. I cry -well at least this time we both do... then he reaches out and hug me. GOD that feels good, warm, safe. we probably haven t touched yet alone hugged for six months...and the realisation of that makes me cry a little bit harder. Gosh what a mess... And then suddenly, before I had time to really relax into it, he pulls out and it all feels awkward again. so I go and have my shower and try and compose myself for the week ahead. God give me strength... In the evening back in London I see one of my best GF. What a pleasure, what a comfort to be with someone I can just talk to -who doesn't seem to think I am a monster and who also, quite frankly, reassures me by how shocked she is at some of the things I recall H did and said over the past few days. I've already done all the crying and feeling sorry for myself I could do (for now at least!) so thankfully I find it easier that I thought it would be to talk, relax and...even enjoy myself. We come on and off the subject. When we're on it I ask her how her kids have been coping with her divorce (not well at all) whether she still thinks she did the right thing (absolutely) what's the main lesson she learnt (don't do it on trust... use layers/go to court if you have to). We also talk about how I would feel if H had said:- I m not happy. I want another life. I m off. Would have I fought that decision as much as I do now..? probably not. As naive as it sounds, that's quite a realisation: I feel I could cope if he left. The problem is merely that I don't want to leave. That's the crux of it. And by the way, she reminds me, nor should I! This thought continues to linger and worry me all night: maybe I don't love him anymore. maybe he is right, we'll never be happy. And the longer we leave it, actually the harder it will be to rebuild a life. Maybe this is not about finding ways to fix this.. maybe it is all about finding ways to part. And here's another complete no shit Sherlock true-ism:- if we didn't have children, this would actually be easy. Now... that might sound obvious to most of you, but to me... children or no children, I am looking at 21 years of my life. And the realisation that it has now come to this -i.e. pretty much nothing- is pretty daunting. But for now, I need to try and stay positive. We have agreed to put things on hold. H admitted to be confused. We have a whole week and a half to go and maybe, why not, realise how actually totally silly this is. So I make a deal with myself:- be positive, be light, be kind and generous: swallow your pride and go for it. What will be will be.