Monday 31 December 2012

Days 10 to 14: It's Christmas!

Between Saturday to Wed, my feet didn't touch the ground. Hence I didn't get round to writing every day. Partly because we're now fulfilling our 'deal' of waiting until after Xmas to talk again, partly because the best way I've found to cope with this whole situation is to keep busy. And busy I am... ridiculously so:-Xmas decorations, tidying, putting pictures up, Xmas shopping everyday, taking Granny out (oh yes I forgot to say -although I cancelled my family for NY, H wouldn't cancel his mother -so now we've got her to pretend to too -but H assures me:- she knows we've been struggling recently but nothing else. I have not told her anything).. So I carry on with the pretense, telling myself it s the best thing for the boys. And it probably is... ironically, because we re in this weird deal, we are behaving like 2 house guests, very polite with each other, very gentle but undeniably (especially in H's case) very distant -cold. so as a quick summary/pick of my top 5 moments of the past 4 days: 1. Taking the opportunity that H was back in our marital bed ( because of granny in the spare room) to make a move on him and offer sex. The astonishing things about this little fact are that i. I actually felt horny and wanted it ii. I never usually initiate it (a very sore point in our marriage) and iii H always wants (or at least wanted) it. Yet, humiliatingly, he turns me away. 2. Having mother in law take me a apart and deliver a solemn: 'I know what is going on -I want you to know I will not judge you and whatever you will always be the mother of my grandchildren' speech. I was so enraged. How could he have lied to me me about not telling her- how could she think this was an appropriate thing to tell me?! 3. Spending Xmas eve running around in shops because H forgot all about the stockings -not just mine, the boys too! 4. Opening the (only) present I got on Christmas day. A beautiful picture of my boys from H and pretending to be surprised when I already knew that's what I was getting (I read it in his inbox when looking for evidence he might be having an affair) and ii. pretending not to realise this was the ultimate breakup present 5. H being very stressed and pretty horrible over Xmas lunch and me getting drunk throughout the day and pretending not to see his disdain and righteous look of disapproval... All in all... not the best Xmas I've ever spent. let's just hope it is the worse I ever have to endure.

Day Nine: The funeral

We buried my Husband's dad today. It was harrowing as I thought. A beautiful service actually, but god I found it so hard not to entirely break down. Exhausting...And very sad. Sad to see my Husband hold it all in (I suppose that's what he's always done about emotions and feelings) -looking like he was attending some else's father's funeral (in his own words..) Sad also to see how much care he took not to come anywhere near me -sat with the choir at church, stood with his siblings by the grave, avoided me for the whole wake. It was so sad... but my boys were there so I focused on them, ensuring they were fine, speaking with them and going along with the pretence of looking so heartbroken because Grandfather had just died...And I can't even get a bloody drink because I m driving everyone back (and H's clearly had a few already). Thankfully it's all over by 5 and I drive us back, in silence. H sleeps all the way back. In the darkness of the evening and the eery quiet of the car engine humming and the children's music thud thudding gently out of their earphones, I finally acknowledge to myself: this is all the more painful since I didn't just attend my father in law's funeral. I have just attended my Marriage's burial too. I turn the radio on to try and stop me from thinking -and feeling- too much or I fear my head will explode and my heart actually tear before I get us there. In that moment, I have a brief vision of us all crashed against the central reservation of the M6. But no, I quickly argue with myself, that is not the best way to end this nightmare -however tempting it fleetingly appeared. So it is with great relief (tinged with crushing shame) that I realise the love for my children is stronger than anything else I can ever experience and decide that I will fight this and that somehow, as unbelievable as it seems now, I will re-build a good and happy life for me and my boys. One day. I turn the radio up focusing on my driving

Days 6, 7 & 8- Life on hold

Tues/Wed/Thurs

I am back in London and finding it hard to get into work mode. I feel myself snapping at people. they either don't notice, or they forgive me (they know I've got a funeral coming up -they probably think it s that). I send H a couple of messages a day, like I have always done -nothing heavy or deep just, "Hi, I am here at the moment, how are the boys?" sort of message, but he doesn't respond. I feel him slipping away from me more and more -like fading...the problem is that I also feel my children slipping. With no/limited contact from H I now realise I've stopped getting the regular news I'd become used to getting via him. "We've been there. We've done that. Big boy's being a pain. Small boy's been rude..." these little daily facts that made me feel connected to them -like I was there because through them I could completely picture the boys and imagine the scene. Now they're on school holidays, and I don't even know if they came to London for the film they wanted to see. I did ask H, but he didn't reply. THAT is what I don't want. I am not ready for that. Whatever H says I've been full part of their lives since they were born and I intend to stay that way for ever... well let s say until they leave home. Dear oh dear... the plot thickens:- if H doesn't love me any longer (and I don't him) but I do not want to leave the children, there's only one alternative:- stay together or go to court. If the former, will we ever be happy? If the latter, what if I don't win custody? and will the children hate me all the more for having tried and failed. Before I go completely mad, I meet up with my BF for dinner. Amazing how much I feel i need to overcome the shame of failure even when speaking with him! Thankfully he doesn't speak to me like that:- instead he's supportive and sympathetic. He even makes me laugh when he says he'd assumed H had finally decided to come out! (and then I panick:- god maybe that's it?!?) I get back home late enough to miss H (he's often in bed by 10 anyway... another incompatibility of ours!) but early enough to see the boys, which is so nice. I try not to hug them too hard and not to tell them too many times how much I love them for fear of alarming them and more simply, breaking down in front of them. I watch late TV with Small Boy. Then off to Bed... dreading the funeral tomorrow.

Sunday 30 December 2012

Day Five: What will be will be

Monday H turns up again in the morning for a chat: (I assume you ve worked out by now he's been sleeping in the spare room) He s thought about it all and agrees with my proposed plan: deal with father's death this week. Do Xmas & Boxing day next week as planned. Talk and make decisions the following week. it makes sense.. we need t deal with things one at a time. He is grateful for my support yesterday... he even apologises for the shit timing, which is actually a huge step from where he was 48 hours ago. Although it was my idea to let things be for while, now he's agreed to it I don't feel particularly happy or satisfied. In fact, thinking about it, I feel very scared. And I tell him so: I m scared about going away for work again giving him the opportunity to think on his own/in his own head and reach a conclusion again without me/ without talking it through. I cry -well at least this time we both do... then he reaches out and hug me. GOD that feels good, warm, safe. we probably haven t touched yet alone hugged for six months...and the realisation of that makes me cry a little bit harder. Gosh what a mess... And then suddenly, before I had time to really relax into it, he pulls out and it all feels awkward again. so I go and have my shower and try and compose myself for the week ahead. God give me strength... In the evening back in London I see one of my best GF. What a pleasure, what a comfort to be with someone I can just talk to -who doesn't seem to think I am a monster and who also, quite frankly, reassures me by how shocked she is at some of the things I recall H did and said over the past few days. I've already done all the crying and feeling sorry for myself I could do (for now at least!) so thankfully I find it easier that I thought it would be to talk, relax and...even enjoy myself. We come on and off the subject. When we're on it I ask her how her kids have been coping with her divorce (not well at all) whether she still thinks she did the right thing (absolutely) what's the main lesson she learnt (don't do it on trust... use layers/go to court if you have to). We also talk about how I would feel if H had said:- I m not happy. I want another life. I m off. Would have I fought that decision as much as I do now..? probably not. As naive as it sounds, that's quite a realisation: I feel I could cope if he left. The problem is merely that I don't want to leave. That's the crux of it. And by the way, she reminds me, nor should I! This thought continues to linger and worry me all night: maybe I don't love him anymore. maybe he is right, we'll never be happy. And the longer we leave it, actually the harder it will be to rebuild a life. Maybe this is not about finding ways to fix this.. maybe it is all about finding ways to part. And here's another complete no shit Sherlock true-ism:- if we didn't have children, this would actually be easy. Now... that might sound obvious to most of you, but to me... children or no children, I am looking at 21 years of my life. And the realisation that it has now come to this -i.e. pretty much nothing- is pretty daunting. But for now, I need to try and stay positive. We have agreed to put things on hold. H admitted to be confused. We have a whole week and a half to go and maybe, why not, realise how actually totally silly this is. So I make a deal with myself:- be positive, be light, be kind and generous: swallow your pride and go for it. What will be will be.

Saturday 29 December 2012

Day Four:- the calm before the storm

Not a lot to report today as Husband is away dealing with his fathers funeral with his siblings. They all came over to the house this am. I was pleasant to them all and tried to be as natural as I could be. H was completely cold and stiff around me though, and I can't imagine it wasn't obvious for all to see. Still, I pretended not to see /hear anything and battled through. 45 minutes later they were all gone. So now it s just me and the boys . I spend the day in a surreal state, doing normal house chores and putting up Xmas decorations with the boys. H is back in in the evening. He s obviously drained physically and emotionally. I try and chat normally - do dinner- look after him. It s all very strained and the sick feeling in my stomach has returned:- do not fool yourself I think, this is the calm before the (second round of the) storm. Yesterday s conversation that had felt like such a breakthrough (albeit one of many I was sure were still required) now feels like a distant memory. In fact did it really happen? I very much doubt it now... looks like we re still on the path of no return and I will soon be house hunting-either that or in court. God...how can I have let it get to this?! Thankfully, H goes to bed early, and leaves me to finish the evening drinking too much wine and crying in front of some stupid TV programme.

Day Three- Maybe it will all be OK

H turns up just before 9am in the am and offers me a coffee in bed. After last night's harrowing episode, this feels at best confusing at worst suspicious: I obviously need to ready myself for round three. And then, before I know it, he s sitting on the side of my bed crying deep distressed guttural cries. he s confused, he sobs; Has he done the right thing? He is going to screw the children up isn't he? At that point, I see a glimmer of hope... which sadly quickly fades away:- he s been unhappy for years and years. because of me. As long as I don't get that -as long as I m not deeply remorseful- I obviously haven t got it. Okay... I guess I need to tell the truth here: i haven t been easy to live with. I know that. I've had depression, sometimes badly -and I have myself been very unhappy, on and off, for years. At home that's it. Because at work I've kept on going, working really hard in fact to build a great career and providing well for my children and husband (he begged me to go back to work asap after my second pregnancy as he couldn't cope with having a full time job -and I've been supporting everyone ever since... but that's a different story which no doubt I will return to. The point merely is I've not been depressed outside of home:- I've enjoyed my work life and made good friends along the way..) Trouble is, whenever I've suggested to H it might be something to do with us, he's always had the same answer: don't be silly. I'm happy. Marriage is like that/you are expecting too much. you just need to sort yourself out... So now I am wondering: has he been lying to me for all these years... just to stay in the comfortable life I created for him? or was he lying to himself? Is he actually telling the truth now? Is it easier to blame me rather than say: I've met someone else? (I suppose that is a possibility) The boys and I are very comfortable now thank you very much we don't need you any longer (apart from your money). So I try and ask him these things...but he won t answer anything other than 'if you keep on being bitter and attacking me then we re not going to get anywhere are we?!) And anyway, he s crying again. It s all too much, he's exhausted/confused doesn't want to screw up the boys. still cares for me...That's when I propose a deal:- lets not make any decision right now: le s bury grandfather, lets do Xmas -lets be nice to each other in the meantime and then see how we feel in a week. Maybe I think we will come out of this better and stronger. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed - and maybe this is the reality check he required. Maybe we'll be OK. Maybe everything will be fine in the morning, this will just have been one big ridiculous ugly nightmare,

Friday 28 December 2012

Day Two: This is real...

I cried all night and I pretty much cry all day, and therefore hide from H and the boys.

H's trying to be nice, which is confusing to me. He even suggests we go food shopping together which is weird - I wander around the supermarket isles, following him whilst he shops (anything I pick or suggest he says no... so I quickly stop and just pick the odd thing for myself) Then we're back home and the day slows down to unbearable pace. I try and do work, still crying and listen to H downstairs: His dad just died. He s decided to split up. He s pottering in his kitchen, whistling a tune to the radio, and laughing out loud at texts he's receiving. I also overhear happy sounding chats on the phone. How can he not feel anything? does he not realise what he s just done?

With a heavy heart I email my family: Sorry but I have to cancel our NY celebrations: H wants a divorce, I need to deal with it. Oh the shame I feel at the shock I m about to cause them, at the ultimate admission of failure. I couldn't bring myself to ring them (I m crying too much anyhow) but somehow writing the email and pressing SEND suddenly makes it very REAL. OMG this is actually happening!

In the evening it all breaks loose: we try and have a chat. He still sounds very composed and civil, and tells me he wished I could be a bit more pleasant/ less upset/ less angry. You just dropped a bomb on my world last night and expecting me to be civil??!! How long exactly -I ask- am I supposed to take to 'get over it' then as he calls it... and then we both say hurtful things. really hurtful things. Problem is, I think we both mean them...

He says:- I should put the children first. He s been looking after them for years... I should acknowledge I m not as capable to look after the boys as he is, therefore I should leave them with him for their own good I don't I realise what he s done is so very courageous -done out of despair cos there is no other way and it is best for everyone He s worked it all out -including finances:- he will stay where here with the children. I will take a 2 bed flat somewhere down in South London (near work) and move out. The boys will come and visit very other week end I shouldn't t fight it:- 1. I am ultimately to blame/it is my own doing 2. We need to be grown up and civil about it; it is not desirable for anyone to bring the lawyers in/go to court 3. Should I wat to do this (go to court) I would probably lose custody of the boys. I should spare us the pain and expense of such a process -and take responsibility for having ultimtely got us here (?!!)

I say:- what he s doing is not courageous. he s taken what he sees as the easy option: kick me out, no disruption to him, the children will come round eventually He of all people should acknowledge that the boys are unlikely 'to be OK' with it The decent thing to do -should he care as he claims- is to at least give it a change:- talk it through/ go to counselling/ explore options It is cruel and callus to act and speak like this (his timing less than a week before Xmas could not be any worse) and shows he doesn't care. He s selfish (and has always been). I have worked my socks off to look after (and provide for) him and the children for the past 20 years. I have done everything he wanted/ provided for every whim/decision and financed along the way, all of his -failed- ventures. Now that we are all set up (having just spent a small fortune extending and re-decorating our new home, he now decides he's quite happy thank you very much and I am not needed any longer (other than to keep on financing his lifestyle), bla bla bla argue argue argue... And then this weird thing happens to me:- whilst in full flight of arguing and exchanging insults... I suddenly -metaphorically- step out of the situation and see it as a third party in the room. And what I see and hear makes me sad and angry for sure, but moreover it embarrasses me:- I am overtaken by an incredible sense of shame:- how can we/ how can I, after over 20 years of marriage, come to this. How can I possibly have let it get to this stage. How can I have got this so wrong... And at that point I realise I am unlikely to be able to fix this. At that point I know we have just crossed a line we are unlikely to be able to ever come back from. This is real, This is happening. and whilst I have no idea where we are going with this exactly, an overwhelming sense of dread -accompanied with this uncomfortable knot right there at the top of my stomach- takes over. I run out in floods of tears, make it to the loo just in time to sick up the little food and lots of wine I have just consumed and go to bed, still crying and trying to ignore the knot that is not only still there, but slowly growing in me and firmly taking hold. 

Thursday 27 December 2012

Day One:- The end of life as I knew it

I ve never blogged before I have never really written anything before, other than fancy powertpoint presentations for clients (yes I'm what you might call a bit of a business hot shot...but that's not really helping me right now) Because this is all about how after 21 years of marriage - in truth not all happy and rosy -but 21 years of strong marriage and 2 children, my husband suddenly -one week before Xmas- decided that this was it. Now, let's be clear- our breakup may take a bit longer -or at this this stage possible even less long than -21 days. but my prediction is that he first announced his plans on the 12th of December (yes, that's right, just over one week before Christmas) and, at the rate this is going, I reckon it will be all over by the New Year. But of course... I don't know for sure:- it is unfolding as we speak. And that's when it occurred to me:- if I share openly what is going on, it might at least serve as some sort of therapy (or maybe a useful diary for t share with l my solicitor as/when I appoint one?) and at best be a source of feedback where I can get some sort of clarity/ reality put back to me in these dark days where it all feels so surreal but also when I feel like I am completely losing my mind. So in this blog, I hope/plan not to be too self indulgent... I merely wanted to stay sane and maybe get you out there to help me through the process and, why not, maybe even help someone else who s going through the same thing. So finally, I must stress that this is a 'Live ' blog. I am writing it with merely 3 or 4 days delay... so it is not only completely real but totally raw:- I have no idea what's going to happen and how it's going to end. Although somehow, it doesn't feel like this is going to be a happy ending. So here we go...the true story of how my 21 year year marriage suddenly came crashing to a sorry end... a week before Christmas. I plan to post a day at a time, sort of like a diary... and see how it goes... Day 1 (Thursday) I have been working away from home since Tuesday am though it feels a lot longer than that...Maybe that's because it s been a while now that I am sensing that something is wrong at home and that staying away is merely an easy way not to confront things... Now, Husband's dad died on Tuesday.. we were talking about when he would eventually pass away only that morning when he was taking me to the station - and then Bang it happens As soon as I get to the office I get this msge from Husband saying his father s dead. I show sympathy and support and give lots of offers to help -as you do... all of which are turned down in a: all is well, can cope perfectly well on my own, please get on with your own life msge. Maybe that's what gave me the biggest clue: his dad had just died and he wouldn't take anything/any support/any comfort from me. But then again I thought... hey his dad just died, of course he'll behave funny -give him space and time and lots of support. Pblm is, I called and texted several times a day, and must have got about 2 three word msgs back... so was feeling a bit useless... Hence it was with some anticipation that I came home on Thursday night. As soon as I got on the train I called H and got a very reluctant offer to pick me up. Did not speak at all all way home, nor the hour or so after we got home. Then we fed the children... all a bit strained... When they went back to their PS3 finally he looked at me and said- right, we must talk. Looking at him I saw for one millisecond a flicker on the side of his mouth and the thought then came to me:- oh dear... he's shit scared about what he's about to say to me...this must be bad. So I just about had time to try and ready /harden myself when I heard the words:- I have made a decision, I cannot leave with you anylonger -I do not want to be with you any more. And that is final. Truth is I can t really remember what I said then...but it was along the lines of surely we must be able to talk about this, and please can you actually explain what the problem is...etc. All I got was a very detached: I ve been giving this a lot of thought...I ve seen a counsellor recently...I ve made up my mind. It is not for discussion.I mean it, he says:- this is non negotiable. I am not discussing with you. I am merely telling you.